My world has coming crashing down tonight because of crack

[Christina]

For the past year or so, my fiance and I have had some issues. He has come home at all hours of the morning from "work", he doesn't call, our sex life has pretty much disappeared, along with other issues. We have fought, I have cried, threatened to leave, we have had long talks. He has always apologized - said he was just working - he will be home more - make things different. Nothing would change. I wondered, on more than one occasion, if he was cheating on me...if there was another woman...but I wasn't getting that vibe. I just knew his personality had changed and after 5 years together...this man was becoming a stranger to me.

I postponed our wedding once...because things seemed such a mess. After another night of him not coming home til 4 am (he started at 8 am) I told him I was done. (cont)

[Christina]

I told him I didn't know what was going on or what was so important in his life that kept him from me, our life, our family (no kids together...but 7 between us) but that this could not be my life. I deserved more than this.

For some reason, THAT time something clicked with him. He started coming home early...calling all the time...really making an effort. I still saw some changes here and there...he seemed to look tired & older, still not much interest in sex but he was home having dinner with us, being a part of the family again.

(cont)

[Christina]

He had gone through a bad bout of bronchitis and then pneumonia..so I blamed some of the changes on him being sick. I thought things were on track again. I was seeing more of the man I fell in love with. We resumed planning our wedding. This week we put a deposit down on a venue. Yesterday we ordered invitations and announced to our friends & family to "save the date".

Tonight, when I came back from grocery shopping, I saw that different personality again. Bloodshot eyes (he doesnt drink or do other drugs), spacy look on his face, just different. For some reason, right then and there...I knew. He went out to get chinese food for dinner...I went out to the garage. (He had been spending a lot more time in the garage since he had been home more lately) The very first desk drawer I opened held all the evidence I needed.

I am hurt. I am beyond angry. I now realize that all that he has put me through in the past year or so has been because of this.

(cont)

[Christina]

He lied when I asked him if he had any "secrets" he needed to share with me before we got married. He said nothing when I confronted him tonight with what I found. I went off big time...I cried, I screamed...nothing from him.

I read through forums on line...trying to get some insight. And the vast majority of people say leaving is the only option. That he will not quit. He will not get help until he hits rock bottom (I don't want to go to rock bottom with me and my children). That "love conquerors all" does not apply when dealing with a crack addict.

Everything has come crashing down and I am numb.